Impostor Syndrome: Religious Edition (Part 2)

2016 is the year we got engaged and the year of several great family rifts on my side. In the meantime, we became more and more interested in the Episcopal Church and its ways. Episcopalian services are a lot like Catholic ones, except far more welcoming and way less repressive. The two biggest ways in which they are more welcoming are as follows: One, everything you need to know is in the Book of Common Prayer. Every element of the service is spelled out so that everyone can follow along and no one is lost. There are multiple copies per pew along with the hymnals and our church is nice enough to provide bulletins that also spell everything out. To me, that transparency makes it a lot friendlier to newcomers and guests of regular parishioners. Two, there is no discrimination during Communion. Although receiving Communion is technically only for those who have been baptized, you will not be questioned about your religious affiliation when you go up to the Communion rail. You also have the option of crossing your arms and receiving a verbal blessing instead of Communion. In contrast, the Catholic Church dictates that receiving Communion is strictly for full-fledged Catholics who are in good standing with the Church. This excludes all non-Catholics, divorcees and a large host of other people. In addition, the Church used to be adamant about its notion that if you didn’t attend Mass regularly, you were committing a grave sin, so yeah...

Meanwhile, the Episcopal Church is generally pretty chill about everything from ordaining women to accepting LGBT+ folks. However, the ordination of Gene Robinson, an openly gay priest in New Hampshire, caused a civil war in the Church. The really bigoted folks separated from the Episcopal Church and began calling themselves Anglicans. This has caused an awful lot of confusion because the Episcopal Church is known as the Anglican Church everywhere outside the U.S. Our city, Tallahassee, was deeply affected by this civil war because it’s a college and government town in the Deep South. People are still talking about the split after all this time. I should also point out that issues with our Bishop led to a delay in the confirmation process. That is a story for a different venue.

“Ok, this is interesting and all, but what in the actual hell does ALL of that have to with impostor syndome?!?”,you shout at your screen. Well, we’re finally here!!! I feel like an impostor because I’ve never fully embraced Christian theology of any stripe. This is mainly because I have an awful lot of trouble accepting the Trinity as it is usually presented, the Father and the Son as two corporeal beings somewhere up in Heaven and the Holy Spirit. The only part of it that makes complete sense to me is the Holy Spirit. My idea of God is that God is a shapless, formless, non-corporeal, ever present being floating around in the Universe. A holy spirit, if you will. “Why not join the Unitarian Universalists, then?” As I’ve said before, I really like all the fancy trappings of an Episcopal service. They make the service a lot more spiritual for me. “Ok, so what do you think about Jesus?” I like Jesus, His teachings, and His story. I really wish more so called Christians actually listened to Him. Having said that, I kinda feel like a liar every time I recite the Nicene Creed in church. I’m not 100% certain that He is the Son of God. I kinda view him more like Muslims do, a great Prophet. “Have you ever thought about converting to a different religion, then?” Absolutely! Even now I think of incorporating practices and beliefs from other faiths into my life. I just can’t get myself to fully commit to ANY one belief system simce I believe that they all have merit and a common goal: to get you to not be a selfish dick. I also believe that they should all be respected because in the end we won’t know who is right until it’s too late.

Lastly, I’m scared of figuratively or literally selling my soul to any one doctrine. That is why my comfirmation today scared the living daylights out of me. Getting married was a no-brainer for me because I already was committed and viewed the ceremony as a celebration and affirmation of said commitment. This, however, felt different to me. My husband reassured me that everything would be fine and that no one would be judging me. He was right, but I still feel like I should expose myself for being a fraud or something. Help, guys!

Impostor Syndrome: Religious Edition (Part 1)

Today, my husband and I reached an important milestone together; we officially became full-fledged Episcopalians! This is exciting because we’ve both found what we’ve been looking for in the Episcopal Church and wanted to convert together. We started attending our church when I stumbled upon it as a potential wedding venue. It was love at first sight. Not only were we instantly welcomed into our parish’s friendly, fairly liberal community, we also decided on the spot that the historical chapel on the church’s grounds would be our wedding venue. Lookimg back, I think we made the right decision. So what does my satisfaction with our church have to do with the gloomy title? Well, dear reader, allow me to explain my religious journey.
For starters, my husband and I have starkly contrasting religious backgrounds. His family is Southern Baptist and my mom’s side of the family is fiercely Roman Catholic. My dad’s family’s religious affiliation is all over the place. Some are evangelicals, some have no affiliation but still do Catholic weddings, baptisms, etc. and my dad is very, very New Age. Even though Mom wanted me to be Catholic and instilled some Catholicism in me, I never had a formal Catholic education. Because of price, location, her aversion to nuns, and potentially other factors, she enrolled me in two private, uber-Protestant private schools from kindergarten through eighth grade. I attended the first school only for kindergarten and completed 1st-8th grade at that school’s redneck cousin. I have always believed in a higher power, but I never fully bought into the brand of religion they tried to indoctrinate us with. I could never accept how misogynistic, hypocritical, anti-science, and generally problematic it was even as a child. The routine bashing of Catholicism I heard in Bible class only made me want to defend it more.
However, that began changing once I concurrently started attending a public high school and Sunday Confirmation classes at the Catholic church I had been baptized and received my First Communion at. Since Mom and I never attended services on a regular basis, I had no idea how to keep up with the rigid structure of Mass and the litany of responses that goes with it. I hoped I would finally learn how to “be” Catholic during my classes but I wound up incredibly disappointed. Instead, we went over a lot of the same Bible stories that had already been drilled into my skull. I realized that there’s an expectation within the Catholic Church that you’re supposed to learn this sort of thing from a very young age for otherwise you’ll remain an outsider like me. The irony is that my single favorite thing about Catholic Mass *is* how structured and ritualistic it is. To me, the rituals of Mass combined with the grand, ornate architecture of many Catholic churches makes for a rich, deeply spiritual experience. Having said that, I began turning away from Catholicism pretty much the second after I was comfirmed.
I went ahead with the process because Mom really wanted me to do it and I was ok with it. I didn’t have any major qualms with the Chirch at the time. However,I knew from the get-go I wasn’t devout and never would be. Even to this day, I don’t consider myself to be devoit, which lead me to really stress out about my Episcopal confirmation. Anyway, as I grew older, I became more and more uncomfortable with the Church’s positions on sexuality and abortion, especially in light of its handling of child abuse by clergy. Once i determined that there is no place for me as a pro-choice bisexual in the Catholic Church, I became very interested in converting to the Episcopal Church. I hesitated for a very long time because I was very afraid of that level of commitment (but not marriage, go figure...)and knew that certain relatives wouldn’t be pleased. Fast forward to 2016...

Father’s Day Phone Call

Dealing with my dad is very frustrating. Last week, I sent him a Father’s Day card as a gesture of goodwill. He called me today to thank me for it, which was nice. However, when I asked him if he wanted to say hi to my husband, he said no. As backgound info, they’ve only met once and my dad never showed any interest in getting to know him. My dad also skipped our wedding because of aome ridiculous family drama that is better suited for another post. Despite all of that, I’ve managed to get on better terms withh him via a few peace offerings.
At this point I’m not even angry at him anymore, just saddened and confused by him. I want him to have a normal relationship with us but I don’t think it’s gonna happen. I don’t even know if he truly grasps the fact that I’m married and that I’m in my marriage for the long haul. Neither of us is going anywhere. We’ve made that clear. I just hope he accepts it before we decide to become parents. That’ll be a whole ‘nother kettle of fish but it’s still relevant to how I feel. How my dad feels about any of it (fatherhood,me,my marriage, etc.) is a mystery to me and that is why I’m sitting here typing this. Like, how can someone be so willingly disconnected from their only child’s life?
I mean, I get that the majority of my dad’s selfish/delusional/emotionally abusive/erratic actions stem from a lifetime of raging, jntreated mental illness and his rough childhood, but in a strange way that realization makes dealing with him a lot more difficult for me. My own struggles with very different mental health issues give me a lot of sympathy for him yet a large part of me wishes I can just easily write him off as an asshole and call it a day. It’s tough, y’all.